you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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