Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
