ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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