your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize