operation harelip BJ is a go
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
