Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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