Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
