hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
