It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
