Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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