id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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