Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
