When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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