Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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