just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
