I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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