the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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