Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
