I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
