he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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