you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
