you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
