Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
