This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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