I wish my penis had an off switch
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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