I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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