omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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