I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
