Your mouth is God's brothel.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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