You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
