dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
