I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Found the puke drawer
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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