Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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