Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
