Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
