Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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