remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
