Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
