Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
