You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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