The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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