Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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