Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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