I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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