i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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