my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need to stop coming to work sober
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
