totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
