I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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