Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
