Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
