I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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