Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
