She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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