I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
