did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
