Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
