I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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