im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
