You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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