Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
