he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
