Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
