A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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