I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
